


The Emotional Life of Percy de Rolo

by WonderingsAndMusings



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Cannon death and resurrection, Character Study, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 14:05:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonderingsAndMusings/pseuds/WonderingsAndMusings
Summary: A brief, and canonically accurate, study of Percy's emotional state through the first 70 or so episodes of Critical Role Campaign 1.





	The Emotional Life of Percy de Rolo

Percy did not deserve love.He did not deserve friendship, or romance, or kindness.He did not deserve Vox Machina.

 

And he knew it.

 

No matter what his companions said, no matter the way Vex looked at him, no matter the reassurances from his sister, he knew.He knew he was unworthy of their tenderness and love.

 

The feeling of despair never went away.The Briarwoods were dead, his sister was alive, his literal inner demon had left.But he still felt the nagging sensation that he did not deserve this life he was given.Percy knew he was irredeemable.

 

 _“You left the Bear on suicide watch?”_ It had been a joke, but the sentiment was all too real.He felt the urge to stick the barrel of his gun in his mouth on too many occasions to count.Or steal one of Vax’s daggers and draw blood from his wrists.Or search through the herbs Keyleth kept to see if he could find a poison.Or something, anything else that could take away the pain he felt day to day.The gnawing sensation that he could never fix what he had done.

 

The episodes would come and go in waves, despair crashing against the shore of his mind time and time again, always receding but coming back later, just as strong.He knew one day high tide would come and he would drown in it.

 

He thought about who he would be leaving behind if, when, he finally found the strength to finish himself off.Cassandra would be a fine ruler of Whitestone.Keyleth and Vex would have the rest of Vox Machina to help them get by.Everyone else would probably not even shed a tear for him.And they would all be better off without him.

 

These thoughts plagued his waking mind as he walked through life numb to what was going on around him.He wanted vengeance against Anna, but revenge could only sustain him for so long.

 

In the end, he didn’t take Vax’s dagger, or Keyleth’s herbs, or even his own weapon.It was a bullet from Ripley’s gun that ripped through him, leaving him feeling nothing.That blissful forever rest was finally upon him. 

 

And then he felt the pull, Pike and the others trying as hard as they could to bring him back.He realized, he was worth something to these people.He may not ever learn to forgive himself for the things he had done, but these people, his friends—no family— they loved him.He let his soul fall back into his body.He let his lungs fill with air, and he felt himself sit up.He was exhausted, but alive.

 

While the scars never fully healed, physically and mentally, the waves came less and less often.Percy began to work on forgiving himself for what he had done and for what he failed to do.


End file.
